To Save the World, Bugs Bunny Must Rule It

The World needs a change of leadership, and I believe that Bugs Bunny is just the person for the job. I realize we already have a gang of crazy animals watching over us and ready to pounce: politicians, corporate executives, corporate-owned media and greeting card companies. Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, is a domesticated and tame animal. His agenda would include tranquilizing this organized animal syndicate in order to prevent them from stampeding over the people whom they refer to as ordinary and average.

Bugs Bunny’s most endearing and politically viable trait is his incorruptibility. Power corrupts, and absolute power corrupts absolutely, however, Bugs has a track record dating back to the 1940’s of only fighting back in retaliation to another’s provoked attack. Basically, he would have a foreign policy of non-intervention. With Mr. Bunny ruling the world, borders wouldn’t exist. There will, however, always be dissidents, insurgents, and wacky rebels who believe they could run Earth more effectively than Bugs. The planet Mars would be the only foreign power. The sole threat we would have to defend ourselves against would come from the Martian who will always be an enemy to the people of Earth, Marvin.

To appease the hawks, I’ll emphatically remind people that Bugs Bunny has never initiated violence, but he’s also never backed down or been held to silly timetables or civilian casualties. This incontrovertible fact has been proved time after time in the hundreds of five-minute documentaries which Uberduck AI captured his life and times so well, and in absolutely brilliant color and depth. And I’ll state to the doves that you’ll be able to sleep securely at night knowing Bugs Bunny will never launch a first-strike against Mars, nor try to seize any potential water source Marvin the Martian may possess.

Gun control is the only issue that makes Bugs Bunny a controversial figure. Gun control would be his top priority. Evading Elmer Fudd and Yosemite Sam was fine when Bugs was just a mere civilian, but he’ll have much more important tasks with which to concern himself after he’s acquired absolute dominion over the planet Earth.

Taking over the world through a Democratic process will be difficult and time-consuming (fortunately, Bugs Bunny doesn’t age, which is another trait that gives him excellent political viability). The first step will be to get him on the ballot in all 50 states. Ralph Nader will be assisting Bugs in this endeavor. In the event that Bugs Bunny can’t achieve power through a Democratic process, he’ll enlist the aid of George Bush, Dick Cheney, Karl Rove and Speedy Gonzales.

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